Nothing ever really changes...

Today I went for my lunch break walk right through the Wemyss Bay Woods which are absolutely lovely this time of year, still a bit bare but nice snowdrops everywhere which makes spring feel closer even when it is still very far away!

Anyway, on the way back, half way in the woods there was no-one and nothing to be seen and I loved feeling alone in the world enjoying the surroundings until suddenly about 20 meters away from me I see this big black dog standing in a sort of a 'hunting' position. You know, the way they stand when they found treasure? Very straight up ears peaked up, one paw a bit from the ground. I looked at him and tried to gauge what sort of dog he was. Agressive? Will he let me walk past him without going for my throat because he is guarding something and is convinced I want to steal it?

There was no way around him if I would follow the path home, I had to pass him. So.. I looked and listened for any nice owners that could reassure me that he wasn't going to hurt or scare me anyway. But nope.. no owners in sight, nothing to hear, no nice gentle whistle, nothing. Just that dog standing there like a statue looking at me. LOOKING AT ME. EEKS!

So.. I thought 'come on, you are 45 and not THAT afraid of black dogs anymore' so I did the 'grown up' thing and slapped with both my hands on my thighs while shouting 'come on little doggie, whats going on then', trying to distract him from whatever he was doing.

Nothing. No movement at all, except for this stare....

Thoughts of that doggie program came to mind, I tried desperately to think of any solutions she had given other people but I was to f*&% scared.

So.. the only way out of this situation for me was to either go back through the woods the way I came or go right through the woodlands to another road home which is what I did...

When clambering over the woody bits I suddenly remembered a similar moment...

All my school life I have been bullied because I was a very chubby kid with a too big head and ridiculous glasses from the age of 5, scared of her own shadow so not able to play any games because I might get hurt or teased and I rather not get into that situation.

I can't count the times that I didn't dare go to my own home because 'boys' were standing in groups of more than 2 and I was terrified that they would do 'something' to me. And they always did, push me, follow me, call me names, disallow me access to the street, all sorts.

Strangely enough.. this all changed when I got my son Kevin, I remember vividly at 25 I walked in a not so safe Rotterdam neighbourhood with Kevin in the buggy and suddenly found this cluster of youngsters hanging out in front of me. They saw me, I looked at them and felt terrified. I could do 2 things, move on or go back. The latter felt a good idea but is scary too. I knew this from experience, it is like they smell you are scared and come after you if you try to remove yourself from the situation.

So... I took a deep breath and moved forward, trying real hard to totally ignore them, waiting for the hissing 'Man, she is fat' or 'What an ugly cow' or other flattering remarks I was so used to weighing 18 stone and feeling ugly.

I walked past them and all I heard was 'ah what a cute baby' (which of course is so true!) all my fears went then, Kevin (bless him) became my armour which was a real confidence booster.

Until today when I felt I was in the same old situation again. Bullied this time by a dog.

Thinks.. do I need to start thinking about getting a puppy? :-)