What a day...
It was great, today was sauna day.
Every once in a while, about 3 times a year my friend and I visit the sauna.
Oh no.. immediately drop any idea about 1 cabin and 1 swimmingpool.. this is more a sauna experience than just sauna.
This sauna has about 20 different cabins with sauna's and steamrooms of all different temperatures, herbs, humidity etc, there is something for everybody.
After each ritual of getting really hot and then really cold it is fantastic to sit in the leisure room and chill while drinking a nice glass of wine (bit naughty of course, should be only water or juice but eh, it is just so nice and decadent to drink alcohol in your bathrobe :-)) and have some good food.
And that is when it happened... quite close to me a nice young man (well I would class him as a boy really although he would probably not agree) looking very much like Brad Pitt, I could hardly keep my eyes off him but of course pretended to read the very boring magazine I had in my hands.
Luckily we were unable to find someone to bring us that nice glass of alcohol (in his case a beer which made him even more of a real man, all the Brad Pitt vibes vibrated even louder, amazing what things can have that effect) so we had something to moan about together, always nice to start up conversation.
He was absolutely fascinating.. talk about other planets... after his story about how he broke his leg in 15 places while snowboarding and caught in an avalanche I told him about being so proud that I could actually make it from point A to point B without hurting myself. He then shared how he loved parapenting (when I of course had to ask what that was) and waveboarding (well knew that one) so I shared my absolute hate for anything even close to sport.
As you can tell we were bonding nicely in the nothing in common whatsoever but blimey you are sexy sort of way.
Anyway he also said he was married and had a little baby.
Damn.
So.. we went our marry way. I thought.
My friend and I went to get our towels and I bumped into him. Phew.. hot in here...
Then we went into a sauna and 2 minutes later he followed, it was hot already but add Brad Pitt and it was really smouldering. Of course.. with his robe off he was even more perfect than I had imagined and felt VERY self conscious about my rubanesk figure sprawled all over the wooden bench trying to pretend I didn't notice him.
Well... I think it wouldn't have been more obvious if somebody would have shouted 'those 2 fancy eachother'. My goodness.. chemistry galore!
After a nice cold shower, one has to follow the rituals after all, I thought there you go, never gona see him again (after all, this sauna is more busy than Alton Towers in summer, the chance that you meet somebody twice or in this case thrice is not THAT big with so many different saunas available), lets go for my massage and forget it.
OK.. this is quite easy to guess isn't it.. how energies sometimes move together even if they don't want to? I walk to the massage department and bump into him again.. thank God he had his robe on that time. We were standing about 2 cm apart saying what a pity it was but that I was going home after the massage and all I could think was 'I really want to touch you now' which made making conversation quite hard. Told him thanks for the nice talks we had and he told me it was a pity I had to go. Yeah right!!
Pfff...
So.. surely that was it? I had a nice massage and went home.
Sure.. unfortunately that was actually it.. apart from the fact that right before I really went into the lockerroom to get dressed again I bumped into him AGAIN and I started to think that Eric or whoever was just having a laugh today.
This time all we could do really is look eachother in the eye and in my case think of what could be if I would just say my name and tell him I am on facebook.
Didn't though.. of all the ships that pass in the night.. he was one I would have loved to take a cruise on, with, in, under? Oh whatever... never gona happen... just sweet dreams...
Did I tell you he graduated at uni as a shipbuilder? :-)
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Living with Kevin..
...is fascinating.
He gives me such an interesting insight in a man's brain.
On a daily basis he tells me:
'Mum, I am a man, we do not understand subtle hints'
if I say things like 'Is there any cola left' :-)
How did he know I really meant 'can you get me some' :-)
I thought my communication was generally quite direct but I suppose I got Brittified! In Britland it is not done to be that direct I felt so my communication has become a bit more gentle, a bit more beating around the bush.
Kevin re-teaches me the Dutch way and I love it, there is nothing more healthy than to live with someone that age where they start to develop their own view of the world but still have those childlike properties like blatant honesty. It does help of course that he has my genes.
Anyway, beware, no more pussyfooting around, no more subtle hints, just... straight talking :-)
He gives me such an interesting insight in a man's brain.
On a daily basis he tells me:
'Mum, I am a man, we do not understand subtle hints'
if I say things like 'Is there any cola left' :-)
How did he know I really meant 'can you get me some' :-)
I thought my communication was generally quite direct but I suppose I got Brittified! In Britland it is not done to be that direct I felt so my communication has become a bit more gentle, a bit more beating around the bush.
Kevin re-teaches me the Dutch way and I love it, there is nothing more healthy than to live with someone that age where they start to develop their own view of the world but still have those childlike properties like blatant honesty. It does help of course that he has my genes.
Anyway, beware, no more pussyfooting around, no more subtle hints, just... straight talking :-)
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft
Well...
I have met the guy on the other planet.
VERY interesting indeed.
The conclusion is that it so does not matter if what you both want is the same, which I am happy to say was the case between us. :-)
Having said that.. I do think the level of feeling that you are walking on eggshells is a bit higher.
What I notice is that it almost feels like each planet use their own dictionary where words or phrases mean almost the same but not quite. A bit like a dialect where you can understand eachother most of the time but 20% of the time you need to ask 'what did you say' and in this case there was a lot of 'what do you mean by that' or 'why did that remark invoke that reaction' :-)
But also, fascinating, it is great to be able to take a peek in a world that is so not mine, where money is no object and a different 5 star hotel in another city each week a normality and to realise that the life I always thought would be so great because of the status, freedom and the decadence can actually be quite lonely and boring.
As he put it.. a room is a room, a bed is a bed and sometimes the desk is a bit nicer than in the other room but it is just a place to sleep. The novelty of the little shampoos, bath-gels and showercaps wears off very quickly as well apparently (can't imagine that so guess who is a lucky girl :-)) and personally I would get very frustrated of all the waiting for trains, planes and automobiles.
We are enjoying the intergalactic sharing though and I am enjoying every second.
So... Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft I am, I want to have peeks on more planets, it is good fun!
Resumes can be put into the comments of this blog.
I have met the guy on the other planet.
VERY interesting indeed.
The conclusion is that it so does not matter if what you both want is the same, which I am happy to say was the case between us. :-)
Having said that.. I do think the level of feeling that you are walking on eggshells is a bit higher.
What I notice is that it almost feels like each planet use their own dictionary where words or phrases mean almost the same but not quite. A bit like a dialect where you can understand eachother most of the time but 20% of the time you need to ask 'what did you say' and in this case there was a lot of 'what do you mean by that' or 'why did that remark invoke that reaction' :-)
But also, fascinating, it is great to be able to take a peek in a world that is so not mine, where money is no object and a different 5 star hotel in another city each week a normality and to realise that the life I always thought would be so great because of the status, freedom and the decadence can actually be quite lonely and boring.
As he put it.. a room is a room, a bed is a bed and sometimes the desk is a bit nicer than in the other room but it is just a place to sleep. The novelty of the little shampoos, bath-gels and showercaps wears off very quickly as well apparently (can't imagine that so guess who is a lucky girl :-)) and personally I would get very frustrated of all the waiting for trains, planes and automobiles.
We are enjoying the intergalactic sharing though and I am enjoying every second.
So... Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft I am, I want to have peeks on more planets, it is good fun!
Resumes can be put into the comments of this blog.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Apprehension
This internetdating is good fun you know.
But.. it does make a person slightly emotional unstable because of all the excitement :-)
It is almost time for another 'first time' meeting.
And this time it is as scary as exciting since this guy seems to come from another planet.
Did I tell you about my other planet theory? Generally you meet people because you for instance work at the same job, attend the same school, have your kids at the same school etc.
Most of the time when you meet new people in those areas of life you sort of know and understand them, they do jobs you can identify with (they work in just another office for instance and when they say their jobtitle you think oh yeah, heard of that). Maybe sometimes you will see people that are a bit different but then they do something you understand like make art and you can't help think 'loser'. :-)
And then sometimes.. you just meet someone and even though you have a nice conversation you think 'I can't seem to get onto your planet', their experiences in the world are then so different from yours that you just can't seem to identify but also can't walk away because it is as fascinating as it is weird.
I know that John and I suffered from that, people would look into our lives and we would just feel they could not get onto our planet. We know for a fact that we have been called weirdo's because of that which always made us titter because for us the way we lived was just right. But yeah, different from most.
:-)
So.. this newest internet dating meeting is going to be with a guy that I just can't grasp. I mean I am clever enough to understand what he actually does and where he comes from but I feel that when we talk we really really like eachother but also can't quite place eachother because we have never met somebody like us.
So I think.. this can go two ways can't it, we either love eachother to bits and can't stop sharing so we get a link between those planets or we look at eachother and think 'you're weird'.
Scary.. because then.. what do you do if you have been writing for months digitally and shared deep emotions (and things!) and look at eachother in real life and think weirdo? Do you grab yourself in the neck and say 'get over yourself, get to know the guy, you know he is nice'. Or do you say 'sorry, I don't feel the connection, I am going home'?
Or doesn't it matter anymore this actual physical meeting when you have connected in the mind?
So many questions, so few answers until it has actually happened of course :-)
Well... if nothing else this is going to be a very interesting social experiment!
But.. it does make a person slightly emotional unstable because of all the excitement :-)
It is almost time for another 'first time' meeting.
And this time it is as scary as exciting since this guy seems to come from another planet.
Did I tell you about my other planet theory? Generally you meet people because you for instance work at the same job, attend the same school, have your kids at the same school etc.
Most of the time when you meet new people in those areas of life you sort of know and understand them, they do jobs you can identify with (they work in just another office for instance and when they say their jobtitle you think oh yeah, heard of that). Maybe sometimes you will see people that are a bit different but then they do something you understand like make art and you can't help think 'loser'. :-)
And then sometimes.. you just meet someone and even though you have a nice conversation you think 'I can't seem to get onto your planet', their experiences in the world are then so different from yours that you just can't seem to identify but also can't walk away because it is as fascinating as it is weird.
I know that John and I suffered from that, people would look into our lives and we would just feel they could not get onto our planet. We know for a fact that we have been called weirdo's because of that which always made us titter because for us the way we lived was just right. But yeah, different from most.
:-)
So.. this newest internet dating meeting is going to be with a guy that I just can't grasp. I mean I am clever enough to understand what he actually does and where he comes from but I feel that when we talk we really really like eachother but also can't quite place eachother because we have never met somebody like us.
So I think.. this can go two ways can't it, we either love eachother to bits and can't stop sharing so we get a link between those planets or we look at eachother and think 'you're weird'.
Scary.. because then.. what do you do if you have been writing for months digitally and shared deep emotions (and things!) and look at eachother in real life and think weirdo? Do you grab yourself in the neck and say 'get over yourself, get to know the guy, you know he is nice'. Or do you say 'sorry, I don't feel the connection, I am going home'?
Or doesn't it matter anymore this actual physical meeting when you have connected in the mind?
So many questions, so few answers until it has actually happened of course :-)
Well... if nothing else this is going to be a very interesting social experiment!
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Sex is in the air - Revisited
While I was on my traumatic holiday there was this very interesting subject floating around in my blog and I was begging the count (the voice of reason) to give it to me straight.
You see.. the count is a very irritating personality. With much too much insight in life and the people in it and the obnoxious habit of always cutting straight to the point and telling the naked truth. When I say naked, I mean naked. More honest than drunks or 3 year olds really. Scary.
He is famous for saying things like 'yeah I know you stopped smoking but god you did balloon' and 'are you sure she is your husbands she doesn't look like him'. The kind of remarks that stop a conversation and make people look meaningful at eachother while he looks blankly ahead seemingly oblivious to the impact of his remarks.
So.. knowing this, it is sometimes very handy to get a right honest answer instead of the PC (politically correct) one.
So.. when I said this about men wanting sex:
(Mind you, lets not forget this is the counts brain, I would be very interested in any other male opinions on this subject) Here goes, comments in red are mine:
What I don't understand though is why it is apparently such a taboo. If I would have known this straight out when I was say 16 or so I would have acted differently. I believed all that romance and being interested crap. Tsk! What a waste.
I think next encounter I will just say 'Shall we just skip the small talk and get to business' because I do believe one can have more meaningful conversations AFTER the event. Ahem. Sorry for the BMI moment children.
Or would that be too forward.. do we women have to pretend to not notice because we are hardwired to do so? Is it too threatening if a woman says 'ok, I know you are just talking to me because you want to have sex, so why don't we?' Would that take away the lust because the 'men are hunters' hardwiring is taken away?
Thought I would leave this in though :-)
Would you?
You see.. the count is a very irritating personality. With much too much insight in life and the people in it and the obnoxious habit of always cutting straight to the point and telling the naked truth. When I say naked, I mean naked. More honest than drunks or 3 year olds really. Scary.
He is famous for saying things like 'yeah I know you stopped smoking but god you did balloon' and 'are you sure she is your husbands she doesn't look like him'. The kind of remarks that stop a conversation and make people look meaningful at eachother while he looks blankly ahead seemingly oblivious to the impact of his remarks.
So.. knowing this, it is sometimes very handy to get a right honest answer instead of the PC (politically correct) one.
So.. when I said this about men wanting sex:
(Mind you, lets not forget this is the counts brain, I would be very interested in any other male opinions on this subject) Here goes, comments in red are mine:
OK, the voice from the Q continuum says this.
No, don't worry. This condition only impacts male mathematical geniuses with tendencies towards the schizophrenic - in Latin I believe it's called Nash-us John-eus. All other men desperately want to hear of your career at Douglas Rain, your family......your plans for DIY in the home......generally they want nothing more than to listen to your HD&ASo, I would love to know what HD&A is!
Applying the sarcasm filter to this paragraph.. you are saying they are just humouring me right?! In a "uh-uh, oh really, that is interesting" sort of way?
Or at least that's what I thought (must just be me!) until reading the headline in today's De Murphgraaf; 'EXCLUSIVE - MEN WANT SEX!' it screamed out in a shocking expose on the male of the species. What new findings will they discover next?
;-)- Yeah, thought so...
Each man is of course different but generally I would say the 'want sex' condition is always there. The extent to which it's apparent to you is determined by the ability of each male to rise above their genetics + hormones. Which is easier for some than others (depending on their own particular balance of intelligence/consciousness vs physical desire).......though there are also those who would rather just not even have to try to rise above it eg the internet dudes you refer to may fall into this category.
OK.. the want sex condition always being there is OK, I suppose I have that too although I can suppress it quite well with copious amounts of chocolate. :-) Age seems to be a factor in this as well.... the younger they are the worse they are in hiding the fact. The older they get the better they are in hiding the WANT SEX NOW feeling. The worrying thing is that here it says that the WANT SEX NOW is always there in the same fashion that only the filter in front of it changes. Hmmm....
In theory, declining levels of testosterone as the male get older should lead to some change in attitude and behaviour. Though I wouldn't really say this can be guaranteed...can you? ;-).
- Or perhaps this 'it's how we are hard wired to be' reasoning is just a man-ist conspiracy intent on maintaining cave man type behaviour and convincing females that they can never hope for much of a change in this.
What I don't understand though is why it is apparently such a taboo. If I would have known this straight out when I was say 16 or so I would have acted differently. I believed all that romance and being interested crap. Tsk! What a waste.
I think next encounter I will just say 'Shall we just skip the small talk and get to business' because I do believe one can have more meaningful conversations AFTER the event. Ahem. Sorry for the BMI moment children.
Or would that be too forward.. do we women have to pretend to not notice because we are hardwired to do so? Is it too threatening if a woman says 'ok, I know you are just talking to me because you want to have sex, so why don't we?' Would that take away the lust because the 'men are hunters' hardwiring is taken away?
Maybe the increasing amounts of Oestrogen being pumped into the environment will lead to some change in all of this over several decades.......don't think we are really seeing such an impact from this at the moment.......however, it might be in some way responsible for the degradation in the quality of male sperm.
- Cavemen will be cavemen and as far as I am concerned that is absolutely fine. I approve of all those natural patterns as long as on the side I can do what I like to do. I think we need to start an awareness session though to awake women around the world to the fact that men really just want sex. I will make life so much more clear.
Thought I would leave this in though :-)
DISCLAIMER
The cynicism in the above comments in no way reflect the actual behaviour of Monsieur Dantès. He is a gentleman to the core.
Would you?
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Whats love got to do with it
You know...
I think I have done it all wrong all my life.
You know this joke about women always waiting for a better train to come along and then missing out on nice experiences?
It is a lie! My experience is that we find someone, project our future on him and say MINE, I am done, lets have babies and live happily ever after.
The world changes though when you are not looking for a life partner to be forever happy with.
If you are just looking for 'love' and attention life gets a different color.
I put love between apostrophes because I start to seriously wonder what love is! You can not fall in love with someone within a few days can you? And surely love at first sight should be relabeled LUST at first sight right?
So.. if we got all that sorted out.. if love doesn't exist and all we experience in the beginning of a relationship is lust, why do we (women I think) then tend to stick to that one person immediately? At least that is what I have always done in the past.
I understand though, I think nature does that a bit in a 'find a man, procreate' sort of way.
And maybe that is where the difference is now, I have done my bit for nature, finished, got me the t-shirt and I am so not looking for longevity.
I now live according to the rule that what walks my path I will try. Mind you, trying can be in many different forms, mailing, dating, other activities I will not talk about to protect our smaller readers and things.
And I know that a few posts back I said something about how many mediocre men exist, I take it back, I actually ran into quite a few nice ones who all seem to be attracted by my 'I don't really want you always but just for fun' attitude.
It is a different ball game..
THIS was what they meant when they say play hard to get. From the moment I didn't want to be gotten (erhm is that English even!) I have been hunted, and it is so much fun!
So girls.. my advice.. let go of the idea that you are on the dating market for the goal you want to achieve, but look at it as an ongoing shopping spree where you know you want the first dress you saw but still go to 10 other shops to find something better, you can do it with clothes, why not with men!?
Disclaimer: Any anti male sentiment that can be derived from this post lives merely in your own imagination. I want the record to show I love men. And I love them to be hunters. Let the games begin.
I think I have done it all wrong all my life.
You know this joke about women always waiting for a better train to come along and then missing out on nice experiences?
It is a lie! My experience is that we find someone, project our future on him and say MINE, I am done, lets have babies and live happily ever after.
The world changes though when you are not looking for a life partner to be forever happy with.
If you are just looking for 'love' and attention life gets a different color.
I put love between apostrophes because I start to seriously wonder what love is! You can not fall in love with someone within a few days can you? And surely love at first sight should be relabeled LUST at first sight right?
So.. if we got all that sorted out.. if love doesn't exist and all we experience in the beginning of a relationship is lust, why do we (women I think) then tend to stick to that one person immediately? At least that is what I have always done in the past.
I understand though, I think nature does that a bit in a 'find a man, procreate' sort of way.
And maybe that is where the difference is now, I have done my bit for nature, finished, got me the t-shirt and I am so not looking for longevity.
I now live according to the rule that what walks my path I will try. Mind you, trying can be in many different forms, mailing, dating, other activities I will not talk about to protect our smaller readers and things.
And I know that a few posts back I said something about how many mediocre men exist, I take it back, I actually ran into quite a few nice ones who all seem to be attracted by my 'I don't really want you always but just for fun' attitude.
It is a different ball game..
THIS was what they meant when they say play hard to get. From the moment I didn't want to be gotten (erhm is that English even!) I have been hunted, and it is so much fun!
So girls.. my advice.. let go of the idea that you are on the dating market for the goal you want to achieve, but look at it as an ongoing shopping spree where you know you want the first dress you saw but still go to 10 other shops to find something better, you can do it with clothes, why not with men!?
Disclaimer: Any anti male sentiment that can be derived from this post lives merely in your own imagination. I want the record to show I love men. And I love them to be hunters. Let the games begin.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Yes!
We still have it!
Very interesting really...
He and I have had dancinglessons about 30 years ago and we loved it, we got quite good at it and then life happened.
As always when splitting up I thought everything about him was rubbish and awful but only a few years later I knew that I would never find a dance partner like him anymore.
Dancing well is difficult you know, especially for a man. It is not just the ability to feel and understand rythm, it is also the leading the lady that is important and there are not many men that can do that.
So last night, after 20 years or so we gave it a go again and honestly, without arrogance, we felt like we were in Strictly Come Dancing, amazing that we could still share that together. We attracted a lot of attention again, probably also because the moves we made are very old fashioned :-)
We talked a lot about what it was that made it feel so special and came to the conclusion that in order to really dance properly you need to not be afraid to emotionally and physically connect, ballroom dancing was invented I think to allow men and women to 'be' together and that should still show from the dancing.
It was a great experience and we will most certainly do it again, maybe even learn a new sexy dance like ArgentineTango or something.
For all those men out there on the pull... take dancing lessons, become a master and learn how to lead a woman, you will never be without a date again.
Very interesting really...
He and I have had dancinglessons about 30 years ago and we loved it, we got quite good at it and then life happened.
As always when splitting up I thought everything about him was rubbish and awful but only a few years later I knew that I would never find a dance partner like him anymore.
Dancing well is difficult you know, especially for a man. It is not just the ability to feel and understand rythm, it is also the leading the lady that is important and there are not many men that can do that.
So last night, after 20 years or so we gave it a go again and honestly, without arrogance, we felt like we were in Strictly Come Dancing, amazing that we could still share that together. We attracted a lot of attention again, probably also because the moves we made are very old fashioned :-)
We talked a lot about what it was that made it feel so special and came to the conclusion that in order to really dance properly you need to not be afraid to emotionally and physically connect, ballroom dancing was invented I think to allow men and women to 'be' together and that should still show from the dancing.
It was a great experience and we will most certainly do it again, maybe even learn a new sexy dance like ArgentineTango or something.
For all those men out there on the pull... take dancing lessons, become a master and learn how to lead a woman, you will never be without a date again.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Weekend after THE weekend
What a difference...
7 days ago I was a blubbering mess walking over and over again on the beaches of Wemyss Bay thinking how on earth I could have been so gullable.
Today Scotland feels so far away. Almost like it never happened.
Isn't the brain interesting?
The older I get, the more I realise that 'getting over things' is about making new memories.
Mind you.. it doesn't take the pain away, it is there, dull and throbbing instead of harsh and spikey because of the addition of nice memories. Nice new people. Nice new experiences.
I have enrolled in a choir which has the cutest ever conductor (conductresse?) who radiates such brilliancy, fun and sensuality that I started wondering if I was indeed fully heterosexual (sorry for the people who think they are having a TMI moment here). Oh and the singing was great too, it is one of those very social choirs where afterwards we all have a very cheap glass of wine and talk about nothing. Amazing how much fun you can have by talking about nothing.
I met a few new people who most definitely distracted me from anything in the world I might feel pain about and sofar living with Kevin to my own surprise has been nothing else but good fun. What a guy.. I would love to take some credit for him turning out like this but he keeps on telling me it has nothing at all to do with me and his dad, that his personality has been solely created by him. Love to have that conversation again with him when he is my age. :-)
Tonight he, his girlfriend and his father will come to dinner. His father and I will go out ballroom/latin dancing for old time sake, see if we can still make people stop and stare as we used to. Tomorrow morning Kevins girlfriend is performing at her church and I will go and have a look, it can't hurt a bit of divine addition to my life.
And today... all feels normal again, my new normal.
Not jumping out of bed in the middle of the night to be in Tesco at the crack of dawn but gently wake up, making cup after cup of Redbush tea and coffees, eating Dutch food and flopping in bed with the laptop watching the first episodes of the new season of House and Ugly Betty. Only contemplating between getting dressed and do shopping or flop a bit longer and have a long hot soapy bath and then do some shopping.
It is quiet, except of course for the gentle hum of the fan in my laptop and if I listen really well the flat and city noises, doors closing, heels clicking, neighbours talking, traffic zooming, metros racing but all is right with the world. This is where I belong.
Scotland was a great retraite, it did me good. Thanks for all who participated but today I am leaving it all behind..
7 days ago I was a blubbering mess walking over and over again on the beaches of Wemyss Bay thinking how on earth I could have been so gullable.
Today Scotland feels so far away. Almost like it never happened.
Isn't the brain interesting?
The older I get, the more I realise that 'getting over things' is about making new memories.
Mind you.. it doesn't take the pain away, it is there, dull and throbbing instead of harsh and spikey because of the addition of nice memories. Nice new people. Nice new experiences.
I have enrolled in a choir which has the cutest ever conductor (conductresse?) who radiates such brilliancy, fun and sensuality that I started wondering if I was indeed fully heterosexual (sorry for the people who think they are having a TMI moment here). Oh and the singing was great too, it is one of those very social choirs where afterwards we all have a very cheap glass of wine and talk about nothing. Amazing how much fun you can have by talking about nothing.
I met a few new people who most definitely distracted me from anything in the world I might feel pain about and sofar living with Kevin to my own surprise has been nothing else but good fun. What a guy.. I would love to take some credit for him turning out like this but he keeps on telling me it has nothing at all to do with me and his dad, that his personality has been solely created by him. Love to have that conversation again with him when he is my age. :-)
Tonight he, his girlfriend and his father will come to dinner. His father and I will go out ballroom/latin dancing for old time sake, see if we can still make people stop and stare as we used to. Tomorrow morning Kevins girlfriend is performing at her church and I will go and have a look, it can't hurt a bit of divine addition to my life.
And today... all feels normal again, my new normal.
Not jumping out of bed in the middle of the night to be in Tesco at the crack of dawn but gently wake up, making cup after cup of Redbush tea and coffees, eating Dutch food and flopping in bed with the laptop watching the first episodes of the new season of House and Ugly Betty. Only contemplating between getting dressed and do shopping or flop a bit longer and have a long hot soapy bath and then do some shopping.
It is quiet, except of course for the gentle hum of the fan in my laptop and if I listen really well the flat and city noises, doors closing, heels clicking, neighbours talking, traffic zooming, metros racing but all is right with the world. This is where I belong.
Scotland was a great retraite, it did me good. Thanks for all who participated but today I am leaving it all behind..
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Fires galore
How weird is this?
My BAC manager had a fire in his house a few weeks ago which didn't actually burn a lot bot blackened his entire house. Soot and smoke damage it was called.
What I didn't know (nor he) is that soot is an acid and eats away into everything and anything and is toxic. It meant that his entire house has to be professionally cleaned, all the furniture out to be cleaned, all his clothes and soft furnishings to the cleaner and he had to get out of his house for a few weeks and is still trying to get over it.
So.. when I was on holiday and didn't hear from Kevin who was taking care (oh dear, for those of you who know Kevin that was a very brave thing to do indeed :-)) of my house I got a bit uncomfortable and asked my mum if she knew how they were.
Well... I felt it right.. thank God there was nothing the matter with my house but the house Kevin and his dad lived in has had a fire because of an ignored frying pan! Would you believe they had the same issue as my manager?
Everything needs to be taken out and cleaned, painted again etc. So my house has been used as a shelter for a week while I was away and guess who has stayed to live with me until it is all taken care of?
Yeah.. :-) My little boy.
It is really ehm.. interesting to see my nice girly princesses house turned into a more male environment with BIG shoes, BIG coats, BIG computer, BIG smells, BIG mess really which is luckily contained in the jungle. Loads of testosteron floating around all of a sudden.
But.. it is lovely too.. a rebonding session after 6 years of Scotland, he is priceless... :-)
My BAC manager had a fire in his house a few weeks ago which didn't actually burn a lot bot blackened his entire house. Soot and smoke damage it was called.
What I didn't know (nor he) is that soot is an acid and eats away into everything and anything and is toxic. It meant that his entire house has to be professionally cleaned, all the furniture out to be cleaned, all his clothes and soft furnishings to the cleaner and he had to get out of his house for a few weeks and is still trying to get over it.
So.. when I was on holiday and didn't hear from Kevin who was taking care (oh dear, for those of you who know Kevin that was a very brave thing to do indeed :-)) of my house I got a bit uncomfortable and asked my mum if she knew how they were.
Well... I felt it right.. thank God there was nothing the matter with my house but the house Kevin and his dad lived in has had a fire because of an ignored frying pan! Would you believe they had the same issue as my manager?
Everything needs to be taken out and cleaned, painted again etc. So my house has been used as a shelter for a week while I was away and guess who has stayed to live with me until it is all taken care of?
Yeah.. :-) My little boy.
It is really ehm.. interesting to see my nice girly princesses house turned into a more male environment with BIG shoes, BIG coats, BIG computer, BIG smells, BIG mess really which is luckily contained in the jungle. Loads of testosteron floating around all of a sudden.
But.. it is lovely too.. a rebonding session after 6 years of Scotland, he is priceless... :-)
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Wemyss Bay revisited
Gosh.. how one visit can change your world.
I knew it was never going to be easy.
But that was such an understatement.
The beach was still there, soothing as always. Thank God.
The house was still there but it wasn't mine and I wasn't allowed in.
Apparently my mere being in the vincinity was too much to cope with, Wicked Witch of the West, me.
Amazing...
Very good for closure.. it is a good thing that that was the real reason I went.
Never seen a more perfect example of make your bed now lie in it.
Time to make my own bed with nice smooth shiny sexy sheets and lie in it trying to reclaim what is left of me and discover life after 'the one'....
I knew it was never going to be easy.
But that was such an understatement.
The beach was still there, soothing as always. Thank God.
The house was still there but it wasn't mine and I wasn't allowed in.
Apparently my mere being in the vincinity was too much to cope with, Wicked Witch of the West, me.
Amazing...
Very good for closure.. it is a good thing that that was the real reason I went.
Never seen a more perfect example of make your bed now lie in it.
Time to make my own bed with nice smooth shiny sexy sheets and lie in it trying to reclaim what is left of me and discover life after 'the one'....
Saturday, September 08, 2007
How to convince a woman to have sex with you
NOT!
I was looking through all these profiles on the internet and thinking to myself , "Look at all these poor, desperate, lonely women"... and I saw your profile and thought to myself "hey here is a poor, desperate, lonely woman that is actually CUTE".
So I thought I would write and see if you are as interesting on the inside as you are in the picture. Email me and if I found that you are interesting woman, I might write back.
I mean, COME ON!!
He made me giggle though, always nice to be called cute but what does he think he can achieve by calling me poor, desperate and lonely :-D
So.. well.. instead of pressing REPLY I pressed DELETE, how sad.
Apart from that... 3 leads at the moment and going strong.
To be fair.. I think a few entries ago I moaned about the amount of mediocre and stupid men and that is true.. there are many (ratio of 150:3 ish) but the ones that I have found now are definitely not stupid and definitely not mediocre so.. well done guys.. lets see where this goes. :-)
I was looking through all these profiles on the internet and thinking to myself , "Look at all these poor, desperate, lonely women"... and I saw your profile and thought to myself "hey here is a poor, desperate, lonely woman that is actually CUTE".
So I thought I would write and see if you are as interesting on the inside as you are in the picture. Email me and if I found that you are interesting woman, I might write back.
I mean, COME ON!!
He made me giggle though, always nice to be called cute but what does he think he can achieve by calling me poor, desperate and lonely :-D
So.. well.. instead of pressing REPLY I pressed DELETE, how sad.
Apart from that... 3 leads at the moment and going strong.
To be fair.. I think a few entries ago I moaned about the amount of mediocre and stupid men and that is true.. there are many (ratio of 150:3 ish) but the ones that I have found now are definitely not stupid and definitely not mediocre so.. well done guys.. lets see where this goes. :-)
Monday, September 03, 2007
Rock4 - Last Night
Last Night
Last night you were so into it
You told me secrets that
You've never told a soul
You were so nervous and
yet oh so comfortable
As we explored your image of love
I drank your wine
As you taste mine
I kissed your lips
You felt my mind slip
Into your soul
I almost cried 'cause it was so beautiful
Last night you were so into it
You told me secrets that
You've never told a soul
You were so nervous and
yet oh so comfortable
As we explored your image of love
I drank your wine
As you taste mine
I kissed your lips
You felt my mind slip
Into your soul
I almost cried 'cause it was so beautiful
[Refrein:]
Last night
I was inside of you
Last night
While making love to you
I saw the sun, the moon
The mountains and the rivers
I saw heaven when I made sweet love to you
Last night, there was no planning it
It was so special and
So very innocent
We talked of memories
Our favorite fantasies
As we explored our visions of love
Deep in the night
Right by the fireside
I felt the candlelight
In your soul
You felt incredible
I started to explode
I almost cried 'cause it was so beautiful
[Refrein]
Sunlight, red roses
The scent of you, it calms the heart
The sight of you, I fall apart
Moonlight, the things we notice
When we're in love, that's when it comes
And I'm so in love, I'm so in love
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Sex is in the air
What is going on today!!!
There is this datingsite I browse around (as I have mentioned before) and I must say the last days the interest in me has died down, I think to be honest, that only fresh meat is looked at so, for anyone considering this, make the most of the first few days.
Today seems to be a different day though.. I suddenly got 3 different 'I am interested' mails all from young guys, and when I say young I mean YOUNG, like 23, 25 and 21!! All saying that they love older women and want to have sex with me. Like.. TONIGHT.. and that they would give me massages and all that.. first I thought they were a team of friends but I checked their profiles and they seem to be for real..
Unfortunately my system is not working like that.. I tried to tell one of them that if you want to have sex with an older woman you have to at least pretend to be able to hold a conversation and be interested. He didn't really see the point and said that he has done this with many older women on that site.
And I think .. is this the new way for singles having sex? Just get a nice juicy guy from the internet for a quick fix? I wondered if today there was an article in some newspaper about this because 3 within one evening is a bit weird!
So just when I thought 'oh well it was fun' I started watching the movie 'A Beautiful Mind' in which the following scene took place:
Nice (though of course weird man) sits across woman in bar and says nothing.
Woman looks all helpful and says: "maybe you would like to buy me a drink"
Man says softly while he bends over towards her: "I don't exactly know what I am required to say in order for you to have intercourse with me but can we assume that I have said all that because we are basically speaking about fluid exchange aren't we so can we go straight to the sex"
And I thought.. is this normal? Is this really what goes on in a man's mind even when I think they are genuinely interested in who I am and what I have to say?
One wonders...
:-)
If only the count wasn't on holiday, he would tell me straight.
Or... does age matter in this area? In which case the count would not represent all age groups.. need to find a few older ones as well... I will keep this under review and let you know if I find out! In the meantime all insights into this subject are gratefully received!
There is this datingsite I browse around (as I have mentioned before) and I must say the last days the interest in me has died down, I think to be honest, that only fresh meat is looked at so, for anyone considering this, make the most of the first few days.
Today seems to be a different day though.. I suddenly got 3 different 'I am interested' mails all from young guys, and when I say young I mean YOUNG, like 23, 25 and 21!! All saying that they love older women and want to have sex with me. Like.. TONIGHT.. and that they would give me massages and all that.. first I thought they were a team of friends but I checked their profiles and they seem to be for real..
Unfortunately my system is not working like that.. I tried to tell one of them that if you want to have sex with an older woman you have to at least pretend to be able to hold a conversation and be interested. He didn't really see the point and said that he has done this with many older women on that site.
And I think .. is this the new way for singles having sex? Just get a nice juicy guy from the internet for a quick fix? I wondered if today there was an article in some newspaper about this because 3 within one evening is a bit weird!
So just when I thought 'oh well it was fun' I started watching the movie 'A Beautiful Mind' in which the following scene took place:
Nice (though of course weird man) sits across woman in bar and says nothing.
Woman looks all helpful and says: "maybe you would like to buy me a drink"
Man says softly while he bends over towards her: "I don't exactly know what I am required to say in order for you to have intercourse with me but can we assume that I have said all that because we are basically speaking about fluid exchange aren't we so can we go straight to the sex"
And I thought.. is this normal? Is this really what goes on in a man's mind even when I think they are genuinely interested in who I am and what I have to say?
One wonders...
:-)
If only the count wasn't on holiday, he would tell me straight.
Or... does age matter in this area? In which case the count would not represent all age groups.. need to find a few older ones as well... I will keep this under review and let you know if I find out! In the meantime all insights into this subject are gratefully received!
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Children
Or just the one really..
I just want the record to show that I have the best kid in the whole wide world.
It is absolutely amazing how that child has conquered all that life has thrown at him and he is only 22.
First his parents divorced when he was 4 (and he remembers every second of the moment we told him) then he had to sit through all my and Tons partners which I tell you was an ordeal.
Many babysitters, my mum with an alcoholic boyfriend, a dubious sister in law, then thank God professional afterschool care who did all the things with him normal parents should have done.
Then finally when all should have gone normally his mum packs up to go to Scotland and the stepmum he adored committed suicide. And that all before he was 19.
Tonight.. he and his girlfriend (10 months already, they are so proud) came to visit. And honestly.. if I would have been so together at 22 my life would have been a lot different.
He has grown up. Task finished and even though I think I did a crap job as far as jobs go, he turned out absolutely fabulous, he has managed to give all happenings meaning and sees already what he has learned from it and is grateful for me to give him the ability to see these lessons.
And he can love and can allow to be loved.. what more do you want for your child really?
He is getting his life together, is changing from being an angry reactive adolescent to a pro-active grownup who is telling his mum she should accept herself fully, that it is time and I find myself asking him.. my little boy, how he suggests doing that - world on its head.
He is starting a new college education in 2 weeks.. to do with life what he really wants, working with groups of young people and make them enthusiastic for whatever he feels they should do.
I am bursting with pride.. He is going to be OK, whatever happens. What a relief. I didn´t screw him up totally after all.
Thank God. And Kevin.
I just want the record to show that I have the best kid in the whole wide world.
It is absolutely amazing how that child has conquered all that life has thrown at him and he is only 22.
First his parents divorced when he was 4 (and he remembers every second of the moment we told him) then he had to sit through all my and Tons partners which I tell you was an ordeal.
Many babysitters, my mum with an alcoholic boyfriend, a dubious sister in law, then thank God professional afterschool care who did all the things with him normal parents should have done.
Then finally when all should have gone normally his mum packs up to go to Scotland and the stepmum he adored committed suicide. And that all before he was 19.
Tonight.. he and his girlfriend (10 months already, they are so proud) came to visit. And honestly.. if I would have been so together at 22 my life would have been a lot different.
He has grown up. Task finished and even though I think I did a crap job as far as jobs go, he turned out absolutely fabulous, he has managed to give all happenings meaning and sees already what he has learned from it and is grateful for me to give him the ability to see these lessons.
And he can love and can allow to be loved.. what more do you want for your child really?
He is getting his life together, is changing from being an angry reactive adolescent to a pro-active grownup who is telling his mum she should accept herself fully, that it is time and I find myself asking him.. my little boy, how he suggests doing that - world on its head.
He is starting a new college education in 2 weeks.. to do with life what he really wants, working with groups of young people and make them enthusiastic for whatever he feels they should do.
I am bursting with pride.. He is going to be OK, whatever happens. What a relief. I didn´t screw him up totally after all.
Thank God. And Kevin.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Decisions & Actions
Well.. after intentions come decisions and then actions.
So, since I have my intentions clear, being.. I want some more testosteron in my life but only for a fling or some 'Living Apart Together' arrangement I thought I would enroll myself in one of those hilarious dating sites. I mean.. what harm can it do right? Masses of people must be in the same situation and rather than waiting for someone to approach me on the street saying 'gosh I would like to LAT with you' I thought I would narrow it down to men who are actually looking for someone new in their life.
Man!! Talk about inspiration for a blog!
Anyway, one step at a time...
First.. my profile.. of course.. I put myself in there as 46 and overweight, rather under promise and over deliver I thought, in my profile I described myself as follows (all in Dutch of course which might not always translate properly, hope you use your imagination as to what I might have meant :-))
Well.. not too bad I thought, succinct and hopefully attracting the right people.
RIGHT!!!!
Want to have a look at 'the right people' who thought that I would fit their life beautifully?
What!!?? I mean.. come on!!
And I am sure, really absolutely sure that these are very nice men, honest!
I find it a bit depressing..one of them told me that their wife left them beause she was ill and all he could do to help her was cook and that wasn't enough and that now he can only get around by using a rollator or a scootmobile thing. Not even sure you have those in the UK, here everybody who even has a little bit of a problem with walking buy one of those, like a scooter (or a chair pretending to be a scooter) which goes really slow. Anyway..
After a few of those contacts luckily there were a few that were a bit more normal, higher educated and who sounded actually nice. Although K warned me that they probably only looked nice because of the comparison with the rollator guys.
I comfort myself with the idea that the real problem here is that these people do not have an accurate sense of self so can't even begin to realise that their self would most likely not fit mine!!
To be fair.. it is all good fun.. because my profile after 1 day!!! has been watched 600 times and I have had 60 'I am interested type of contacts'.
Amazing to see though that so many men look for something on the side.. of course when I wrote my profile I didn't realise that it would be fantastically attractive for that purpose.
I think my first question to ask will have to be, 'will you be able to celebrate Christmas with me', how is that for a bottom line question. Mind you, I wouldn't even want to but I am sure that it would make absolutely clear where I would sit in the bigger picture!
Well .. I just had to share, and I really apologise for anyone reading this and being offended by me putting their picture in my blog but since it is public domain information (www.lexa.nl) I thought as long as I didn't say who they were it would be ok!
I will definitely keep you informed of any further developments, for now I will keep on ploughing through their profiles as long as I can stand it, I find it amazing how many stupid and/or mediocre men exist. (No offence guys, the readers of this blog know I hold them in high regard)
So, since I have my intentions clear, being.. I want some more testosteron in my life but only for a fling or some 'Living Apart Together' arrangement I thought I would enroll myself in one of those hilarious dating sites. I mean.. what harm can it do right? Masses of people must be in the same situation and rather than waiting for someone to approach me on the street saying 'gosh I would like to LAT with you' I thought I would narrow it down to men who are actually looking for someone new in their life.
Man!! Talk about inspiration for a blog!
Anyway, one step at a time...
First.. my profile.. of course.. I put myself in there as 46 and overweight, rather under promise and over deliver I thought, in my profile I described myself as follows (all in Dutch of course which might not always translate properly, hope you use your imagination as to what I might have meant :-))
I am a cheerful, spontaneous, self aware rubens woman who after 3 long (however beautiful) relationships has decided to just want to live apart together. I look for someone who shares the same sentiment, who wants to keep his own place but does have a need for some romantic interaction. I am very interested in personal development and like to view my life as a project. I work for an IT company implementing new projects which gives balance to my spiritual side. I like cycling, cooking, going out to dinner (basically all things during which you can have good conversation)
RIGHT!!!!
Want to have a look at 'the right people' who thought that I would fit their life beautifully?
What!!?? I mean.. come on!!And I am sure, really absolutely sure that these are very nice men, honest!
I find it a bit depressing..one of them told me that their wife left them beause she was ill and all he could do to help her was cook and that wasn't enough and that now he can only get around by using a rollator or a scootmobile thing. Not even sure you have those in the UK, here everybody who even has a little bit of a problem with walking buy one of those, like a scooter (or a chair pretending to be a scooter) which goes really slow. Anyway..
After a few of those contacts luckily there were a few that were a bit more normal, higher educated and who sounded actually nice. Although K warned me that they probably only looked nice because of the comparison with the rollator guys.
I comfort myself with the idea that the real problem here is that these people do not have an accurate sense of self so can't even begin to realise that their self would most likely not fit mine!!
To be fair.. it is all good fun.. because my profile after 1 day!!! has been watched 600 times and I have had 60 'I am interested type of contacts'.
Amazing to see though that so many men look for something on the side.. of course when I wrote my profile I didn't realise that it would be fantastically attractive for that purpose.
I think my first question to ask will have to be, 'will you be able to celebrate Christmas with me', how is that for a bottom line question. Mind you, I wouldn't even want to but I am sure that it would make absolutely clear where I would sit in the bigger picture!
Well .. I just had to share, and I really apologise for anyone reading this and being offended by me putting their picture in my blog but since it is public domain information (www.lexa.nl) I thought as long as I didn't say who they were it would be ok!
I will definitely keep you informed of any further developments, for now I will keep on ploughing through their profiles as long as I can stand it, I find it amazing how many stupid and/or mediocre men exist. (No offence guys, the readers of this blog know I hold them in high regard)
Monday, August 20, 2007
Disappointment
Well...
I will live, I promise...
Life can be such a disappointment sometimes...
You know how I love to watch all those 'kick someone out each week' kind of programmes?
Well.. I knew from last year when I was here for the xFactor final that that format was very similar to the one I saw in the UK. I think the UK version was much better though because of the fighting of the famous judges, the Dutch ones didn't reach the same emotion I think. It wasn't as huge a success here as xFactor is in the UK.
Anyway!
Remember there was also one where Andrew Lloyd Webber chose a 'Maria' for the Sound of Music musical they wanted to produce? And this year they looked for Josef and his coat?
Well.. we have that too now but then looking for Evita, absolutely brilliant in itself but only now it becomes apparent how one gets cheated with those programmes.
It was all so exciting with the search for Maria which was the first one. You saw the audition episode and a very worried Andrew Lloyd Webber saying to everybody how worried he was that there wasn't enough talent to go around and how this whole idea would blow up in his face.
And of course.. silly me, the exact same thing, even the exact same setting was repeated when I was watching the Dutch version of this programme and the Dutch musical mogul was looking worried and was saying that it would be merely impossible to find someone out of those people auditioning.
I must admit... it takes the shine of the whole thing.
Is this the first step to being cured?
Hope not.
I will live, I promise...
Life can be such a disappointment sometimes...
You know how I love to watch all those 'kick someone out each week' kind of programmes?
Well.. I knew from last year when I was here for the xFactor final that that format was very similar to the one I saw in the UK. I think the UK version was much better though because of the fighting of the famous judges, the Dutch ones didn't reach the same emotion I think. It wasn't as huge a success here as xFactor is in the UK.
Anyway!
Remember there was also one where Andrew Lloyd Webber chose a 'Maria' for the Sound of Music musical they wanted to produce? And this year they looked for Josef and his coat?
Well.. we have that too now but then looking for Evita, absolutely brilliant in itself but only now it becomes apparent how one gets cheated with those programmes.
It was all so exciting with the search for Maria which was the first one. You saw the audition episode and a very worried Andrew Lloyd Webber saying to everybody how worried he was that there wasn't enough talent to go around and how this whole idea would blow up in his face.
And of course.. silly me, the exact same thing, even the exact same setting was repeated when I was watching the Dutch version of this programme and the Dutch musical mogul was looking worried and was saying that it would be merely impossible to find someone out of those people auditioning.
I must admit... it takes the shine of the whole thing.
Is this the first step to being cured?
Hope not.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Intentions
The following comment deserved a whole new entry I thought!!
This was one line from my diatribe from yesterday and the comments in black are from the most appreciated Edmond Dantes - the man who is responsible for the remark 'Tell her I miss her cleavage' instead of saying to a visiting friend 'tell her I said 'hi''
It says a lot about me of course that I find that by far the most hilarious remark so far this year.
Anyway, onto deeper places:
Nope.. for me LAT is the only way to go from now
But do you actually have to take up a fixed mental position on this?
Is it not better to keep an open mind...just take things as they come and judge any prospective relationship on it's own merits?
Sure, you are enjoying your independence at the moment (and an independent spirit is to be encouraged!) But if you meet the 'right' guy (rather than the so called 'dream' guy!) then you might feel like you want to share your independence a bit.
I don't believe that living with someone means you must lose your freedoms of thought, expression....and the guilty pleasures such as Big Brother ;-) Not as long as it's the right relationship and you are both willing to keep working at it. Though obviously some level of compromise is required at times....but hey, you can sacrifice X Factor surely? ;-)
Anyway, it's all hypothetical right now....all being well, you'll be on this rock for some time yet....why rush to final judgment?
Nothing is ever final in my life.. I think I have proved that!
So, let me ask you one question, how long and with how many people have you lived together? Apart from your parents of course?
:-)
yeah....
And... then maybe I should be clear to any other readers (not that I think there are any though) that I am about 20 years older than the public that reads this blog :-)
I don't want to smash any dreams for your future of course but in my experience adapting (and not watching xFactor are you mad!!) is becoming harder and harder the older I get!
My first relationship was easy (19-30), I didn't ever even think about things I coudn't do, it just wasn't an issue.. (mind you that could very well have to do with the fact that I didn't know who I was or what I wanted ;-)) - The second was a bit harder (30-38) but that was also due to his challenging characteristics, the third one (40-46) was easy again BUT the best one of all where it comes to living and sharing together was that one with myself (38-40) :-)
I will always go for love.. at least.. that is what I have done so far... but I am a bit tired of building up again after every relationship, lucky for me I stayed in the same house after relationship break up number 2 but I have redecorated a house on my own 3 times now and had to build it up from scratch because I so wanted this living together thing to work.
So..what is there against having your own pad, having your own life but still share whatever you do/achieve in that life with somebody else who has the same feeling? I am sure there must be men around as well who are happy with their own life and habitat but do miss that romantic interaction every now and then?
I think it has something really romantic to see each other only when you really want to.
My dream is to meet someone in the flat here.. that would be really great.. watch xFactor together, hop into bed and then decide if you want to sleep over or rather go back to your own bed because you need to get up early in the morning. I could SO see that work :)
Is my judgment final?
Hmm.. not sure.. for now, yes.
I believe life is all about intentions.. I believe that if you are not clear in your mind and spirit about what you want, no force can deliver (be it Eric, God, Universe or whoever you think is responsible)
So.. that is why I sent this into the world.. hoping to attract nice, strong men who love xFactor and their own pad as much as I love mine!
This was one line from my diatribe from yesterday and the comments in black are from the most appreciated Edmond Dantes - the man who is responsible for the remark 'Tell her I miss her cleavage' instead of saying to a visiting friend 'tell her I said 'hi''
It says a lot about me of course that I find that by far the most hilarious remark so far this year.
Anyway, onto deeper places:
Nope.. for me LAT is the only way to go from now
But do you actually have to take up a fixed mental position on this?
Is it not better to keep an open mind...just take things as they come and judge any prospective relationship on it's own merits?
Sure, you are enjoying your independence at the moment (and an independent spirit is to be encouraged!) But if you meet the 'right' guy (rather than the so called 'dream' guy!) then you might feel like you want to share your independence a bit.
I don't believe that living with someone means you must lose your freedoms of thought, expression....and the guilty pleasures such as Big Brother ;-) Not as long as it's the right relationship and you are both willing to keep working at it. Though obviously some level of compromise is required at times....but hey, you can sacrifice X Factor surely? ;-)
Anyway, it's all hypothetical right now....all being well, you'll be on this rock for some time yet....why rush to final judgment?
Nothing is ever final in my life.. I think I have proved that!
So, let me ask you one question, how long and with how many people have you lived together? Apart from your parents of course?
:-)
yeah....
And... then maybe I should be clear to any other readers (not that I think there are any though) that I am about 20 years older than the public that reads this blog :-)
I don't want to smash any dreams for your future of course but in my experience adapting (and not watching xFactor are you mad!!) is becoming harder and harder the older I get!
My first relationship was easy (19-30), I didn't ever even think about things I coudn't do, it just wasn't an issue.. (mind you that could very well have to do with the fact that I didn't know who I was or what I wanted ;-)) - The second was a bit harder (30-38) but that was also due to his challenging characteristics, the third one (40-46) was easy again BUT the best one of all where it comes to living and sharing together was that one with myself (38-40) :-)
I will always go for love.. at least.. that is what I have done so far... but I am a bit tired of building up again after every relationship, lucky for me I stayed in the same house after relationship break up number 2 but I have redecorated a house on my own 3 times now and had to build it up from scratch because I so wanted this living together thing to work.
So..what is there against having your own pad, having your own life but still share whatever you do/achieve in that life with somebody else who has the same feeling? I am sure there must be men around as well who are happy with their own life and habitat but do miss that romantic interaction every now and then?
I think it has something really romantic to see each other only when you really want to.
My dream is to meet someone in the flat here.. that would be really great.. watch xFactor together, hop into bed and then decide if you want to sleep over or rather go back to your own bed because you need to get up early in the morning. I could SO see that work :)
Is my judgment final?
Hmm.. not sure.. for now, yes.
I believe life is all about intentions.. I believe that if you are not clear in your mind and spirit about what you want, no force can deliver (be it Eric, God, Universe or whoever you think is responsible)
So.. that is why I sent this into the world.. hoping to attract nice, strong men who love xFactor and their own pad as much as I love mine!
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Life after "happily ever after"
Of course...
Even though life here is absolutely fantastic and I believe I am walking the path I was meant to walk I have moments I struggle to take it all in.
Like what the f*ck happened to me?
Only 6 years ago I made a life changing decision to move to Scotland with the man of my dreams.. I felt so deeply for the man... (and still do, lets be very clear about that) I remember talking to him through email ... like 10.000 mails in 3 years ;-)) and thinking "this is it, if they throw us in a cave and we never see anyone else again it will be absolutely fine"
For me it was totally clear, I was embarking on a 'happily ever after' - I mean..... I had seen enough romcoms and read enough soppy books to just KNOW that that was where I was heading and life was good and clear.
And to be fair.. Scotland did feel like a cave a bit and that wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.
So what was it?
What changed the feeling of 'throw us in a cave and we will never be bored with each other again'?
I think in short, life happened.
I have seen many many romcoms after the feeling of the cave subsided and it started to dawn on me that those films always stop on the moment the conflict has been solved and the start of happily ever after. Sometimes maybe you would see flashes of pregnant bellies and fenced gardens in idyllic villages (bit like where I lived I suppose :-)) to show how nice happily ever after is.
But nobody shows the years down the road where life is repeating itself over and over and each partner starts concentrating on whatever works for them and not so much on each other. Since the relationship was formed in a 'living happily ever after' fashion instead of the (as I have done in the past) 'not so sure if this is forever' fashion I think we didn't give it the attention it deserved and got complacent.
So.. for years I thought that that was it.. no more men for me, just this one. Which was a very weird feeling and also one that is not highlighted a lot in those romantic comedies or soppy books. Do you know how strange it is to know you would never fall in love again, never have sex with anybody else again? Well.. that is how I entered the relationship anyway.
Now.. all the way in Holland, Scotland seems very far away and every day I feel more and more detached of my life there and the happily ever after that never was.
Which leaves me a bit ..empty..
Like.. not only did the happily ever after not work, I am now severely doubting if it even exists at all, even worse, if I still want it!
So.. a shattered dream and no hope to ever dream that one again because I just don't want to live in the same house with someone else again!!
Is that the price you pay for getting older? And more rigid? I want to do my own thing, I want to be anal about how my house looks, I want to keep it tidy and cosy and I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it, I want to listen to music and not irritate anybody with it, I want to watch all those silly 'throw one person out a week' tv programs without feeling guilty of being perceived superficial.
I have had these discussions with others who then tell me that I could have a separate room in the same house and go there if I want to do these things for myself but I can just see how that would work, it would feel like I don't want to be with that person (which technically would be true) and then I would feel guilty about that again!
Nope.. for me LAT is the only way to go from now.. Living Apart Together, heard of it?
I never realised this is a purely Dutch invention, because the acronym is English I assumed it was universal but no.. To prove it really exists: http://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latrelatie
And as I read now, even Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir did it...
So... any tips on how to find my Sartre?
Even though life here is absolutely fantastic and I believe I am walking the path I was meant to walk I have moments I struggle to take it all in.
Like what the f*ck happened to me?
Only 6 years ago I made a life changing decision to move to Scotland with the man of my dreams.. I felt so deeply for the man... (and still do, lets be very clear about that) I remember talking to him through email ... like 10.000 mails in 3 years ;-)) and thinking "this is it, if they throw us in a cave and we never see anyone else again it will be absolutely fine"
For me it was totally clear, I was embarking on a 'happily ever after' - I mean..... I had seen enough romcoms and read enough soppy books to just KNOW that that was where I was heading and life was good and clear.
And to be fair.. Scotland did feel like a cave a bit and that wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.
So what was it?
What changed the feeling of 'throw us in a cave and we will never be bored with each other again'?
I think in short, life happened.
I have seen many many romcoms after the feeling of the cave subsided and it started to dawn on me that those films always stop on the moment the conflict has been solved and the start of happily ever after. Sometimes maybe you would see flashes of pregnant bellies and fenced gardens in idyllic villages (bit like where I lived I suppose :-)) to show how nice happily ever after is.
But nobody shows the years down the road where life is repeating itself over and over and each partner starts concentrating on whatever works for them and not so much on each other. Since the relationship was formed in a 'living happily ever after' fashion instead of the (as I have done in the past) 'not so sure if this is forever' fashion I think we didn't give it the attention it deserved and got complacent.
So.. for years I thought that that was it.. no more men for me, just this one. Which was a very weird feeling and also one that is not highlighted a lot in those romantic comedies or soppy books. Do you know how strange it is to know you would never fall in love again, never have sex with anybody else again? Well.. that is how I entered the relationship anyway.
Now.. all the way in Holland, Scotland seems very far away and every day I feel more and more detached of my life there and the happily ever after that never was.
Which leaves me a bit ..empty..
Like.. not only did the happily ever after not work, I am now severely doubting if it even exists at all, even worse, if I still want it!
So.. a shattered dream and no hope to ever dream that one again because I just don't want to live in the same house with someone else again!!
Is that the price you pay for getting older? And more rigid? I want to do my own thing, I want to be anal about how my house looks, I want to keep it tidy and cosy and I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it, I want to listen to music and not irritate anybody with it, I want to watch all those silly 'throw one person out a week' tv programs without feeling guilty of being perceived superficial.
I have had these discussions with others who then tell me that I could have a separate room in the same house and go there if I want to do these things for myself but I can just see how that would work, it would feel like I don't want to be with that person (which technically would be true) and then I would feel guilty about that again!
Nope.. for me LAT is the only way to go from now.. Living Apart Together, heard of it?
I never realised this is a purely Dutch invention, because the acronym is English I assumed it was universal but no.. To prove it really exists: http://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latrelatie
And as I read now, even Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir did it...
So... any tips on how to find my Sartre?
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Dance Parade
Phew... this new life of mine is very knackering I must admit... Yesterday my niece and her boyfriend came to visit, of course made her my favorite dish (tortilla wraps with peppers/corn filling) then my brother joined us and we went to the local Irish pub and drank a few alcoholic drinks and went to bed way too late for a 46 year old!
And I didn't even drink that much either but I did feel a bit out of it this morning, so did my brother, it was very interesting to see that the 26 year old boyfriend was as bright as a button like nothing ever happened and he didn't drink like there was no tomorrow.
Thought to make a positive decision and go for a bike ride since the weather here is absolutely gorgeous, it is really strange to be back in a country where it is not hammering down days on end.
So.. Rotterdam would be the place to be.. always something to do there.. and was there today!! I ended up in the middle of the dance parade. Basically this means a long long trail of very very big trucks with LOUD (and when I say loud I mean in fear of damaging your ears!) music and dancing people with very little clothes on.
Cycling past it all I suddenly got all emotional again. I have this so often lately when I am in the middle of a lot of people. I so wonder what this is.. do I tune into some mass hysteria, is it selfpity of being lonely in between so many people (hehe don't think so :-)) or am I just so happy to be back !!!
When going through all those possibilities in my head I got even more emotional with the last option and almost burst into tears when at the end of the trail of trucks there were 3 Roteb trucks. (Roteb is the company makes sure streets are swept, garbage collected and rubbish picked up)
Somehow that epitomizes for me the Dutch attitude to life. We
make fun, we make a mess but it always gets cleaned up :)
And I didn't even drink that much either but I did feel a bit out of it this morning, so did my brother, it was very interesting to see that the 26 year old boyfriend was as bright as a button like nothing ever happened and he didn't drink like there was no tomorrow.
Thought to make a positive decision and go for a bike ride since the weather here is absolutely gorgeous, it is really strange to be back in a country where it is not hammering down days on end.
So.. Rotterdam would be the place to be.. always something to do there.. and was there today!! I ended up in the middle of the dance parade. Basically this means a long long trail of very very big trucks with LOUD (and when I say loud I mean in fear of damaging your ears!) music and dancing people with very little clothes on.
Cycling past it all I suddenly got all emotional again. I have this so often lately when I am in the middle of a lot of people. I so wonder what this is.. do I tune into some mass hysteria, is it selfpity of being lonely in between so many people (hehe don't think so :-)) or am I just so happy to be back !!!
When going through all those possibilities in my head I got even more emotional with the last option and almost burst into tears when at the end of the trail of trucks there were 3 Roteb trucks. (Roteb is the company makes sure streets are swept, garbage collected and rubbish picked up)
Somehow that epitomizes for me the Dutch attitude to life. We
make fun, we make a mess but it always gets cleaned up :)
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And I thought.. is this normal? Is this really what goes on in a man's mind even when I think they are genuinely interested in who I am and what I have to say?