About this 12 year old girl called 'Molly' who went to Pakistan with her father and sister without telling her mother?
Apart from the discussion about how stupid it is to just take off and go to a far away country and not even leave a 'TTFN' note to your mum, I was fascinated by something else.
Did you see the mum? Hardly able to speak, move or do anything else that seemed remotely 'normal', trembling all over, taking small steps out of the press room. Her appearance a mess with a haircut that has probably been applied by either herself or a neighbour with kitchenscissors. How did she come across to you?
Now.. I totally understand that in the midst of despair one does not think of how one might come across on telly. (Although I promise you no amount of distress would keep me away from applying a bit of make up before going on camera knowing that every news room desperate for ANY news in this time of the year will repeat my shiny red face and puffy eyes about, oh, 100 times a day for a week, ok, you can call me vain!)
Anyway.. then today.. the father... dressed in one of those, famous for Pakistan, male dresses which probably have a name which I don't know. He looked magnificent with his big black beard, a bit like this guy who sings 'if I was a rich man'. Saying that Molly can do whatever she wants.
And of course there was Molly, beaming, radiating love for her daddy.
So... did she get shipped out to get married in Pakistan? Do I really care?
No...
I cared about my own reaction which was 'If I had a say I knew which parent I wanted her to be with'
It would definitely be mr Rich Man.
So.. .I wondered, why...
Why on earth do I think I can judge someone by looking at them for 20 seconds and reach conclusions like 'very emotionally instable, not quite there, missing a few bits here and there, not capable to look after a child'
AWFUL!!!!
But.. it is reality.. I liked this guy with the beard saying that the girl can do what she likes and if I was her I would like to stay with him as well even if I wouldn't approve of his clothes choice.
But... after having stopped beating myself up over it I realised that people do that with me too, all the time.
They look at me and decide who I am, what I am capable of, or not and they put me in one of the boxes they have in their heads for that purpose.
And I can't help being so curious - where do I fit, how am I perceived?
Talked to John about this and he just says he doesn't care. And I suppose I should go there, I am what I am and what everybody else believes is not important.
And he is right, it isn't, it wouldn't change me but I would try and set the record straight if I felt they had me all wrong. (thinks.. why is *that* so important to me.....)
I would for instance love to know how my manager perceives me, does he see me as some sort of clever secretary? Or as a full blown member of the department capable of proper project management? Does he look at my face and thinks 'gosh she has a lot of confidence' when I constantly think that the reason they pay me pittance and don't give me a proper contract MUST be because they think I am stupid but just didn't tell me yet and am a bundle of insecurity about loads of things a lot of the time.
Is the picture I have showing on our internal HAL website saying 'nice competent woman', 'uptight bitch', 'nice try', 'looks like a librarian' or 'clueless'?
When I was doing my college education we were told that everybody had a blind spot, that you know certain things about yourself ,that there are things you DON'T know about yourself but are able to learn through the course of your life but also that everybody has their blind spots.That unsettled me a lot, I thought I quickly had to find out all there was to know about myself because the idea that someone could confront me with my blind spot and me not recognising it was too scary to contemplate (no idea why, I suppose I still cared a lot back then :-))
Anyway, off I went trying to find out as much as I could about myself so I would be prepared for that day that someone would say 'you are such and such' and I would gently smile and say 'yeah I know' and have one up on them.
And now.. because of this experience today, I know that it is all out of my hands, that no amont of me getting to know myself will prevent people reaching their conclusions in 2 minutes flat and of course, not telling me! So I can't check if they are right and adjust any misconceptions they might have.
So... the morale of this story?
It is *all* in the eye of the beholder and I just *have* to let it go.
I thought I would share this insight with you.
:-)
